


It’s not living (If it’s not with you)

by irlbattery



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew almost kills the new kids. Again, Cuddling, Hurt/Comfort, I can’t think of other tags rn it’s like ass crack of dawn AM right now, Kissing, M/M, Panic Attacks, Prev Abuse, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 15:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17103257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irlbattery/pseuds/irlbattery
Summary: “Don’t.” Andrew still had his hand on Neil as he unlocked the door, never once letting go, even as he drove. It was reckless to do that, but Andrew was anything if not reckless. “Don’t say you’re sorry.”_____________Neil has a panic attack and Andrew comforts him the best he can





	It’s not living (If it’s not with you)

Neil was used to judgement. After the events of the past year, he thought he would be used to the odd stares and the backhanded comments. The scars on his body had stopped burning from that week so long ago, but the pain in his chest hadn’t ceased. Everybody told him someday the pain would stop, but he only believed it when Andrew said it. Andrew was the only person who could get through to Neil when he was in a panicked haze, the anchor he could hold on to, something to bring him back to the world. And now, when Neil needed him, Andrew was nowhere to be seen. 

Practice was supposed to start at five, and at three thirty, Neil was there and began running laps. It helped focus him, before he ran drills, and ran some more. Around four thirty, some of the new team members showed up, watching Neil with something odd in their eyes that he couldn’t discern. He had discarded his arm-bands that Andrew had given him, matching with his boyfriend’s black bands. Andrew may have been used to wearing them under his gear, but Neil took them off. He didn’t care about people seeing his scars during games, because most of the time, people were so focused on the game and didn’t pay his physical appearance any mind. 

The new Foxes were whispering to themselves as Neil grabbed some water, just before everybody else got to the arena. 

“Hey Josten!” Neil turned at the voice, and saw the new guys staring at him more intently. He didn’t trust the way they were all huddled together, it made him uneasy. “How should we trust you? Everybody else is a damned fool for trusting you. You’re probably just like your daddy-” That was all Neil heard before his vision became static. 

_ His father. _

He felt like the breath had been stolen from him, everything felt like it was gone. Every single thing in his body that Neil needed to live, had just disappeared with that off-handed comment. He didn’t know if the rookie had meant it or not, whatever he said, but it shook Neil to his core. He knew his father wouldn’t be able to hurt him anymore, the dead can’t come back to life, but the memories stung like the burns across his cheek and arms. His ears started to roar, and he didn’t realize he had collapsed until he heard the loud slam of a body against plexiglass. Andrew had grabbed the closest rookie he could reach, and had him pushed against the glass as every single one of the Foxes tried to get him off of the boy. 

“What the fuck did you do to him!” Andrew had one hand at the boy’s shirt collar, and the other one was pushed against his neck, choking him with Andrew’s whole forearm. 

“Andrew! What the fuck dude?” Nicky was running in, with Abby and Coach at his side, dragged in by the racket they were making. Kevin was already there, not interfering with Andrew, he didn’t want the other to be angrier than he already was. 

“Don’t.” Andrew shot a glare at Nicky, and then looked back at Neil where he was shaking on the edge of the court and dropped him. “This isn’t over, don’t forget that.” 

Neil still couldn’t make out shapes, his head was spinning, but he could hear Andrew. 

_ Andrew. Andrew- Andrew- _

Next thing Neil knew, he had a familiar hand around the back of his neck, and a hand pulling on the collar of his shirt. Andrew had knelt in front of him, shielding Neil from the rest of the team and their noise. 

“Look at me, Junkie.” Andrew had a frown tugging at the edge of his mouth, but nothing cracked his emotionless face. When he didn’t get Neil’s attention, he tried again. “Josten. Neil.  _ Abram! _ ”

“Andrew?”

“Yeah it’s me. Who the fuck else would it be.” Andrew mostly lifted Neil off the ground, supporting his full weight and shot a death glare at the rookies as he walked towards the exit of the inner stadium, and spoke to Coach for only a second. “I’m taking him home, Neil isn’t practicing like this.”

“Andrew-”

“Next time this happens because of one of the rookies, I won’t be so nice. Pass that on.” Andrew forced his way past Matt and Dan, who looked equal parts concerned and angry. He vaguely heard Kevin’s voice get louder as he began to shout at the team. Neil couldn’t make out what they were saying, but it didn’t sound good. “Get in Junkie,” 

Neil didn’t notice the maserati in front of him until Andrew told him to get in. He felt like he wasn’t in his body, like he had just died and this was a shell of him. Like nothing was real. The only real thing was the panic inside of him and Andrew’s tight grip on him, anchoring him to the earth. 

Andrew must’ve noticed how Neil was staring at the stark scars that covered almost every inch of his arms, and Andrew pulled Neil’s armbands out of his pocket and made Neil slip them on. He ran his hands over the fabric a few times, focusing on the feeling against his scarred hands and the familiar hum of the maserati. 

“...Yes or no?” Neil missed the first part of what Andrew said as they got out and began to walk towards Fox Tower. “Earth to Neil.”

“I- Sorry…. I’m sorry-” Neil felt his eyes sting, and he felt like he was about to cry. He hadn’t cried when Riko broke him again and again and again for two weeks, or when he was kidnapped and tortured by his father. But now, he apologized and felt misty eyed, all because he felt… Weak. 

“Don’t.” Andrew still had his hand on Neil as he unlocked the door, never once letting go, even as he drove. It was reckless to do that, but Andrew was anything if not reckless. “Don’t say you’re sorry.” 

Neil nodded and pulled off his gear, letting his boyfriend help get him in a loose, baggy hoodie and a pair of sweats. 

As Neil pulled his clothes off, not facing Andrew, he stared at the scars crisscrossing his whole body. They were hideous. The white lines dragged across his chest, signs of years upon years of abuse and a life on the run. He hated them. 

He hated how the newest ones inflicted by his father’s men were pink around the edges, and were a brighter white than the rest of his scars. Andrew waited, and clearly got impatient with Neil, because he grabbed Neil’s chin as he stood in front of the other, and forced Neil to look at him, but Neil flitted his eyes back to his chest and Andrew made a noise akin to a growl. 

“Look at me.” And when Neil didn’t, he gripped the edge of Neil’s chin tighter, and stood right in front of him so the only thing either of them could look at was the other. “I said  _ look at me  _ Josten.” 

When Neil finally stared eye to eye at Andrew, the blond nodded, and spoke again. “Calm down.”

“I can’t-” 

“I told you to calm down. Now listen.” Andrew put his hand that was curled up at his side against Neil’s chest, applying slight pressure there to ground him. “I told you to give your back to me. We renewed that promise when you stayed a Fox, and I don’t break the promises I make. Kevin has your game, let him keep it. I don’t need your game, I have your back, and I will have it for as long as you need it and as long as you let me. So, Junkie, let me do this, okay?” Neil nodded ever so slightly and Andrew’s eyes went to steel and he raised an eyebrow. 

“I need you to use your words. Yes or no?” 

“Yes.” 

“Good,” Andrew said softly. 

Neil, who still was holding his hoodie in his hands, got the hint and pulled it over himself. As soon as he did, Andrew pulled him over to the couch, and pulled part of it out to give them more room. He sat down and raised an eyebrow again as Neil stood there and stared at him. 

“Can I lay against you?”

“Yeah,” Andrew didn’t pay him any mind as he flicked the tv remote and began channel surfing until he found something he wanted to watch. Neil sat between his legs and curled up onto his side, resting his head on Andrew’s chest. 

The two of them sat in silence, and Neil didn’t realize he’d fallen asleep until Nicky and Kevin came back in to the room. Andrew gave them a once over and shrugged nonchalantly and didn’t pay them any other mind except for that. Neil dozed back off again not shortly after. 

He woke up to Andrew moving, and loud voices. Neil’s mind was cloudy from just waking up, but as he sat up, Kevin and Nicky looked at him, and Andrew didn’t. The look Andrew was giving them suggested they were arguing. 

“Wha’s happenin’?” 

“You can’t just try to kill everyone who disagrees with you Andrew!” 

“I didn’t. I just warned him what would happen if he fucked with something that is mine.” 

“Andrew-” 

“Kevin.” 

“Guys what’s happening-” When Neil spoke up again, Andrew noticed. It might’ve been because he stood up and the pressure of his body left Andrew’s chest. 

“What that prick did to Neil-”

“Andrew- Kevin, Nicky- listen. He didn’t  _ do _ anything. He just said…”

“He said something to trigger a panic attack. That’s all I need to know to beat him senseless.” 

“You’ll get in so much shit if you kill a rookie-”

“ _ I don’t care _ .” 

“Neil, what did he say?” Nicky put his hand on Neil’s shoulder in a comforting gesture and Andrew glared daggers at him. 

“He asked how they should trust me. Called you fools for trusting me. Said I was just like my f-”

“I’m going to fucking kill them.” Nicky muttered, his face going almost as steel-y as Andrew’s. Neil shrugged and opened his mouth to say ‘It doesn’t matter’ when Andrew and Kevin glared at him, sensing what he would say. Neil had promised to stop saying ‘I’m fine’ but now the words almost slipped past his lips like water overflowing the edge of a cup. Those two words were programmed into him, an instantaneous response to any harm. A barrier used to protect himself. 

“Don’t give me that shit Josten. You can’t let them do that to you.”

“I know Kevin- It’s just…” Neil felt his head begin to spin, and couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten, or had anything to drink. “It’s been a rough week.”

“Yeah well normally you don’t let rookies walk all over you like this, what the hell could be so bad that instead of ripping them apart verbally, that you had a panic attack?”

“You wanna know why?” Neil stood up and balled his hands into fists at his side, and Nicky took a step back from how close he was to the two on the couch. “Why? Today marks two years of when my mother died because of my father and I-” He shook his head, digging his nails into his palms, just over the edge of the armbands. “I had to burn her and fucking bury her on some beach in California. I can never visit her grave, or bring her flowers, because her bones are in a fucking backpack as well as the last few pieces of the car that I had to burn. So that’s why I’m upset okay?” 

The room went quiet as Neil borderline shouted. The panic that remained in him burned away to reveal exhaustion, anger and grief. Nicky opened his mouth to say something and then shut it in favour for looking down at his shoes. Nobody said a word as he left the room. 

Neil didn’t even pull his shoes on as he marched out the door, mindlessly making his way up to the roof and sitting there, marvelling at the numb pain the gravel and tiles on top of the roof made when they dug into his bare feet. He didn’t count how long it took for Andrew to show up, Neil wasn’t even sure  _ if _ he would show up, much less  _ when _ . But like always, Andrew threw the door to the roof open, and stomped over to Neil so the other could hear him approaching. Wordlessly, he pulled a pack of cigarettes out and lit them before passing one to Neil. Andrew let the edge of his thigh rest against Neil’s, a small amount of physical comfort for the other. That alone was enough for Neil. Any physical contact from Andrew was enough for him, no matter how small, it meant the world and half again. The cigarette was pressed in between his fingers and Neil watched the smoke flicker and rise into the air, and he felt at home. 

After smoking the cigarette down to its filter, Andrew smudged it out on the roof and looked at Neil from the corner of his eyes, and Neil looked right back at him. 

“Yes or no?”

“ _ Yes _ .” Neil’s lips twitched into a smile as he left the cigarette to burn and fill the rooftop’s air with the smell of ashes as Andrew put his hand on the back of Neil’s neck and kissed him. It was slow, and the taste of nicotine in Andrew’s mouth made Neil relax. He sighed into the kiss as Andrew picked up the pace, more feverish than at first. 

“Can I…?” Neil had his hands bunched in his sweats, not touching Andrew without his explicit permission. He knew the other wouldn’t lash out at him like he did when others touched him, but he still didn’t want Andrew to be upset. 

“Nowhere past my lower ribs. Anywhere higher is okay.” He said, and Neil nodded, gently putting his hands in Andrew’s hair and knitting his fingers through his fine blond hair. Soon enough, They were laying on the top of the roof, still kissing one another with passion and fever, but still comforting. 

When Andrew finally pulled away, Neil caught his breath and put his forehead against Andrew’s and he sighed loudly, with no malice behind it and muttered.

“ _ Junkie _ .” 

Neil grinned and he realized, he was at home no matter if he was in the Fox Tower, at the apartment, or in Andrew’s arms. His touch felt more like what Neil imagined home to be, and he felt like he could die when Andrew brushed his hands against Neil’s thighs. 

No matter where he was, he had his team with him, and finally had somewhere to call home. 

“You still like me,”

“No I don’t.” 


End file.
